An “Ex-Gay” Halloween

Stories of faith, hope and healing on the road to self acceptance as gay men.

I had a flashback last night to Halloween for my first year at New Hope Ministries. I was over at my brother’s house and his kids were carving faces into pumpkins.

Flashback to 1996 (cue Scooby Doo music and the shimmering, wavy lines indicating “FLASHBACK!”).

Larry, Jason, myself and several other housemates in “the program” had bought some pumpkins to carve for Halloween. For the most part, we had a very fun year full of camaraderie. Frank Worthen often said it was the best year he had ever had in terms of spirit, commitment and intention.

So those of us who had bought pumpkins were very much looking forward to sharing what had always been a fun holiday experience with these new friends. Some of these friendships, as Larry and I can attest, ran so deeply that they would last for decades. We were like family to each other in a way our own families weren’t at the time … we loved, accepted and supported each other JUST as we were.

Enter the Halloween Grinch (BUM-BUM-BUUUUUUUM … cue the villainous theme music).

Gruff, bearded, sun-weathered Jake sauntered into our holiday merriment like a dour sourpuss villain shouting something about “those darn kids”.

Jake actually protested that we were going to carve faces into our pumpkins, saying that it was celebrating something Satanic. We protested and took the issue all the way up to Frank.

We were not allowed to carve faces into our pumpkins … we could only carve something of a Christian nature (a Bible verse, a cross, a fish, etc.). I was furious about this! I don’t know why, when you think of all the other things that were denied to us … but this just seemed ridiculous.

I argued that I had been raised in a Christian missionary household and we had ALWAYS carved faces onto our pumpkins … were my missionary parents engaging in something evil???

All to no avail. We were stuck with it … grown men being dictated to all the way down to what you could carve on a freaking pumpkin! I definitely had a grudge toward Jake for the next few weeks. What the point of it all was I really, truly had no clue … it occurred to me that it was just an opportunity to exert power over people.

Frank had winked at me when I talked with him about Jake’s ridiculous pumpkin carving decree … he just chuckled his jovial laugh and shook his head. He thought it was silly too, but he felt that he had to support what his Assistant House Leader had decreed. Two things I have always loved about Frank Worthen … his honesty and his sense of humor. Frank and I had a very special bond and I often talked with him one on one that year.

Frank’s direct honesty was actually extremely instrumental in my choosing to “come out” and to accept myself as a gay man. I had asked him about something new I had discovered, that there were multiple translations of the Bible verses pertaining to homosexuality.

“How can this be?” I asked, “A translation is a translation … how can there be multiple versions. One has to be right and one has to be wrong, don’t they?”

Frank openly acknowledged that there were in fact multiple translations that have been debated for centuries … and that nobody can prove which is right or which is wrong. That it is up to each of us to decide in our hearts what we feel is God’s will.

A light bulb went off in my head on that day like never before … no one had every said something like that to me before! All I had ever heard was that homosexuality is a sin and that is all there is to it … no debate. I have Frank Worthen’s honesty to thank for that light bulb … and God’s love for me, just as I am, to thank for the continuing illumination.

On Halloween though, all I had to show for that honesty was a pumpkin with three crosses carved onto a hill.

***

Two friends, Larry and Chris, whose joint stint in New Hope ministries, a communal “reparative therapy” (or “ex-gay”) program, has sparked a friendship lasting almost twenty years. Through those years Larry and Chris have struggled to discover who they are as spiritual gay men whose relationship with God could never be taken away or denied.

They’ve fought, they’ve laughed, they’ve loved and somehow, through Guidance neither could have foreseen, they’ve found their way to loving and accepting themselves as gay men … gay men who are loved by God, just as they are.

These are their stories.

CHRIS ANDERSON was born in San Jose, CA and raised in a Christian missionary family as the youngest of nine children. Chris moved to New Hope Ministries when he was twenty years old. He lived there for two years, and began being mentored to be a Youth Pastor by the pastor of the church that supported the ministry, Church of the Open Door. When Chris began asking questions and then ultimately “coming out”, he was excommunicated from the tight-knit community. Feeling rejected by virtually everyone, at age 23 Chris decided to follow his dreams. He quit his corporate job and began waiting tables with the hope of becoming a singer. A year later he was discovered by a voice teacher, and later accepted into The San Francisco Conservatory of Music as a Voice Major. Chris has performed opera in venues throughout Europe, China and the United States.

Currently, Chris is working on furthering his original dream; composing and performing his own original songs, in the form of Collaborative Composition: a music project where anyone, anywhere in the world can contribute their ideas for accompaniment to the “a capella” vocals of his original, spiritually focused songs.

– pics from Clean Techies and daringdaughters.org